Shield Page 8

  "What the fuck is this Sadie? Are you drugging yourself?" He asked his eyes as dark as ever as I felt them burned on the top of my head.

  "What? No, no!" I instantly replied.

  "Then what the fuck is this for?"

  "N-nothing.." I mumbled suddenly ashamed.

  I bit the inside if my cheek as I felt tears build up behind my eyes. I stared at the transparent bottle that was halfway filled with my medication. Killian held it tight in his hand I was concerned he might crush it. He was fuming in front of me and I couldn't understand why. I wasn't drugging myself, I dont want to be near drugs ever in my life, so he had nothing to be mad about now. Hell I hadn't taken one of these in months.

  They were just pills for-for preventing panic attacks. He didn't need to know that.

  "Sadie." He growled in a warning. "That shit is bad for you. Why the fuck are you taking these?"

  "I-I dont, not-not anymore." I admitted. "W-where did you find them?" I dared to ask with my voice trembling.

  "In your bag, I was looking for an eraser." He explained his tone slightly nicer for an instant. "Thats not the fucking point, why were you taking this bullshit?" His voice immediately turning harsh again.

  My bottom lip trembled as I looked up at him silently pleading him to stop the conversation there. He saw one of my panic attack, he didn't need to know that I needed pills to prevent them. He didn't need to know that I was so broken, I needed to drug myself to stop the pain. That somedays I had to be emotionally numb to go through my day.

  Something in his intimidating stare suddenly changed as he looked through my eyes. My mind could be playing tricks on me but the hard, icy look was replaced with a glint of warmth in those brown orbs I adored.

  He was about to say something when the front was suddenly and abruptly opened.

  "Honey I'm home!" A masculine voice shouted from the entrance. 2

  If the moment with Killian wasn't upsetting me so much, I would have laugh at the feminine voice the guy, I assumed was Killian's roommate, tried to imitate.

  "Jesus fucking christ Josh." I heard another guy mumbled.

  "What? I'm just informing Killian we're back." 'Josh' answered innocently. I could see them walk into the kitchen as I peeked over Killian's shoulder. He had turn around to face them, and I somehow knew he was glaring at them.

  "Yeah, well, no need to scream like an hysterical woman." The taller one replied.

  I then recognize Josh's long hair. He was the guy from the mall. He was walking towards the living room and then noticed us standing right behind the couch.

  "Geez," he said his hand on his heart. "I didn't see you were there."

  He greeted Killian before his eyes landed on me, "oh you brought Sadie!" He exclaimed with a large grin on his face, his excitement when seeing me made me automatically smile back at him.

  "Yeah, whatever. We were leaving anyway." Killian replied blankly. He clearly wasn't as joyful as his roommate and that made me wonder how they ended up living together. Maybe he was grumpy because of me?

  "Oh," Josh said looking disappointed as Killian walked to the dinning table and I followed him like a lost puppy, "well take care kid!" He said before disappearing in his room.

  I frowned again at the nickname but shrugged it off as the boy next to me handed me my school bag. He then walked to the kitchen silently greeting his other roommate with a handshake as they crossed path before grabbing his car keys. The tall guy gave me a small smile before walking towards the living room. I made my way to the front door with Killian following behind me.

  When we made it to his car, he opened the door for me and I thanked him quietly. The ride was silent, not that I expected it not to be. His hands were holding the wheel tightly and I apprehensively waited for the moment he would start asking questions again about the pill bottle. But he never did.

  He pulled in front of my house fifteen minutes later and I felt relieved to get away from this uneasy silence and that he let the subject I dreaded slip. I thanked him, again, and unbuckled my seatbelt but before I could reach the door handle he spoke.

  "We'll finish the conversation later Sadie," his deep voice warned me, "we weren't done there." 4

  I gulped.

  I ran upstairs, my phone and earphones in hand, as I clumsily tried to put on the darn denim jacket over the thick hoodie I was already wearing. Arriving in the entrance, I struggled to slip on my shoes but somehow managed to despite the hurry I was in. Grandpa was waiting for me in the car and I didn't want to make him more late than he already was.

  I hurried in the porch's stairs, nearly tripping on my untied shoe laces, and made my way to the vehicle. I let out a heavy sigh as my body landed on the car seat. I mumbled a sorry to my grandfather for keeping him waiting but he just shrugged it off saying it wasn't a big deal. 1

  "These hockey players can take care of their stuffs for more than 5 minutes." He joked.

  The ride didn't take more than twenty five minutes and he was pulling in the arena's parking lot before I even knew it. My stomach twisted uneasily as we approached the building that reminded me of Monday's events with Killian. And every moment the beautiful boy would appear in my mind, too many feelings invaded me. From shame to anxiety, from anxiety to guilt, from guilt to sadness.

  I've been dreading coming here during the whole week and I've been remorseful for ignoring Killian's only text message he sent me.

  We have to talk. Meet me after the game Friday

  I've read it hundredth times, it was imprinted in my brain and I've been thinking about it ever since I received it Tuesday. My fingers hitched to type a reply only to end up ignoring it, since I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about and it was the subject I never wanted him to know about.

  I did had Killian back, not completely, but that event made me want to stay away from him. I wanted him to stay away from the broken little girl I've become.Even if that meant reopening the wound in my heart and having guiltiness following me like my own shadow. It was either that, or him running away the second he finds out how defective I actually am. Again.

  Would I prefer being the one ignored or be the one ignoring? Would I prefer being the one in pain or be the one causing pain?

  But then again, does he still care as much he used too? I've been blaming myself for ignoring his text but maybe he didn't even checked to see if I replied.

  I sat next to the little restaurant, trying to stop torturing myself with my own thoughts for the next hour and a half. I was still on the edge when the area would be empty of people, leaving me all alone in public.

  I knew how Killian clearly said he didn't want me here anymore, but he said himself in his text that he wanted to talk to me after the game. Not that I was here to actually do that, I was only here because I didn't want to stay alone at home, specially at night.

  ———

  The game was over, it was a really tie one, but my grandfather's team won by one point which was scored by Killian. I was so close to jump out of my seat when he took a shot and the black little object directly entered the net. It was one of the rare moments where I could see him smile. Like a real one showing his perfect teeth. I couldn't tell if the bubble of happiness enveloping me came from the crowds loud cheering or Killian's wide grin plastered on his handsome face.

  I-I wish he'd smile like that around me. 3

  I was fidgeting in my spot waiting for my grandfather just like any other times. Except this time I prayed he would be faster than Killian to come out. For the last weeks it hasn't been the case.

  My mind was racing, thinking of any possible other reasons why that prescription bottle was in my bag, but nothing I came up with could make sense. I didn't know what else the use of this medication could be for, besides preventing panic attacks.

  And why would he care anyway? Maybe he wanted to make sure I wasn't a drug addict.

  Just like mother.

  I hated that he could think that of me. I never wanted to be around substances like that
and it was mainly why I despised those pills. I didn't like how I needed them to get through a day, just like mother did.

  I used to be jumpy and paranoid everyday, the slight interaction with someone made panic crawl fiercely in my body. I didn't want Killian to know that. He already thinks I'm weak, now he would know how torn I am.

  And I hoped he wouldn't ask why. The thought made my chest ache painfully. It was a disturbing secret that even my therapist wasn't fully aware of. During years it prevented from having decent sleep and it still does these days.

  Those scenarios vanished, well almost, when the tall intimidating figure I've been dreading to see walked out of the corridor. My heart started racing in my chest when his legs took large steps closer to the entrance, right where I was standing close. Maybe this was a bad spot to go unnoticed. I mentally cursed myself for not thinking about that aspect.

  I kept my head low as he got closer, hoping he wouldn't notice me when he'd walk past me. I felt my hands starting to sweat in my pockets as I waited apprehensively for Killian to leave without noticing me.

  Unfortunately, luck wasnt on my side today and will never be I felt like. A pair of shoe appeared in my view making all my hopes vanish and the air around me shifted.

  "You came." His gruff voice stated making my stomach twist. Not necessarily in a bad way, his voice, and just him in general, always did funny things to my... body.

  I dared to look up at him, noticing how his smile from earlier was long gone and was replaced with his usual blank expression.

  "Y-yes. You said you-you wanted to talk."

  I wanted to slap myself at how stupid I was to remind him the subject. The reason I was here wasn't because he wanted to talk, I just couldn't stay home alone at night. If only he knew how I've been wanting to avoid him and this conversation. How I just wanted to run away.

  He observed my face for a moment, making me divert my eyes from him and nervously chew the inside of my cheek.

  "Didn't expect you to actually listen to me." He said with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. 2

  My heart dropped at his comment and my mouth was opening and closing, making me look like a gaping fish. I wasn't really sure what he meant by that, but I knew it wasn't meant to be nice. Was he mad at me? Have I done something wrong?

  You didn't reply to his text idiot!

  Then the look in his eyes seemed to change into something softer. The brown orbs almost looking regretful, but I wasn't sure. Why couldn't I tell for one friggin moment how he felt?

  "Lets go outside." He propose, the soft glint in his eyes almost reassuring me. I dreaded the conversation, my hands were now trembling in my pockets, but I still nodded and followed his steps.

  "Sadie!" A voice yelled behind us, and forcing us to stop mid way towards the exit.

  I turned around to see who the familiar voice belonged to, and noticed Joshua jogging towards us his long hair almost flowing in the air. I almost had to restrain myself from jumping in his arms and thank him for saving me from the terrifying moment.

  I didn't miss Killian's exasperate sigh and how he cursed under his breathe.

  "Hi kid!" He greeted cheerfully as he reached my level. His happiness was contagious, the wide grin plastered on his face brought one on mine as I greeted him.

  "I didn't know you'd be here tonight, did you enjoy the game?"

  "Yes of course." Was all I could answer. I wish I could have better social kills honestly, but he didn't seem to mind, his enthusiasm not seeming to decrease.

  "Refs weren't calling shits, but I mean we still won," He bragged his grin getting cockier. "Thanks to Micky, huh?" He said referring to Killian's goal. He playfully punched Killian's shoulder who only rolled his eyes.

  I couldn't help but giggle at the scene in front of me, Killian being grumpy and serious, while his friend had this happy-go-lucky personality that seemed to annoy him.

  "Oh!" He suddenly exclaimed, his bright eyes landing on me again, looking like he just had the best idea of all time, "do you wanna come and celebrate with us?"

  Celebrate? With them?

  "Fuck no." Killian snapped next to me before I could even process the invitation. I frowned at his sudden outburst. I didn't really know what Joshua meant by 'celebrating with us' but it surely sounded fun and I didn't know why Killian seemed to hate that idea.

  "What? C'mon dude we'll have fun and I'm sure she will too. Stop being such a grumpy ass." Joshua whined.

  "She's not stepping a damn foot there." The boy next to me growled out sternly not leaving room for argument. My heart clenched painfully and I felt tears slowly forming behind my eyes. I thought he didn't mind having me around him.

  "But why?"

  "Because." Killian replied strictly.

  "Well, anyway I didn't ask you, I asked her", his friend answered in a sassy way, I cracked a smile at his insolence, "Sadie, do you want to go out and celebrate with us?"

  "I-I...well, if you want, I wouldn't mind." I blurted out surprising my own self. I felt brown orbs burning on the top of my head, but I didn't dare to look up. He was probably as surprised as I was. I didn't know where the courage came from, but I suddenly felt like getting out of my comfort zone and try to be normal for once in my life.

  "See, she wants to go out with us!" He exclaimed happily.

  "And I said I didn't fucking want her there." The annoyed boy growled out again making my heart ache more and more.

  "C'moooon," he pleaded again like a kid begging his parent, "I thought she was your friend."

  Are we? I didn't even knew how to make friends. What makes people friends? He helped me Monday he gave me some lofts, so does that make us friends?

  Like I said before Killian was the only one who ever cared. I hadn't talk to him in almost 6 years and now here I was standing next to him and his friend while they were debating wether I could go out or not.

  I looked up at him, noticing how his jaw twitched and how tense he suddenly was. His eyes darkened as they looked down at Josh. "No we're fucking not."

  And just like that I watched him as he walked away through the doors without looking back. The words cut deeply in my heart and, reopened the same wound from years ago. Tears in the corner of my eyes dangerously threaten to come out as I did my best to hide them.

  "Jesus christ he's always so grumpy." I faintly heard Josh mumble as I kept my head low.

  The words echoed in my mind, he really doesn't like me anymore. He most likely hates me. Even if he said he didn't mind having me around him, it wasn't the case. I thought maybe he would get nicer with time. What was I thinking? Of course he doesn't want me anymore, he has no reason to.

  A tear slipped but I quickly caught it with the back of my hand hoping it went unnoticed.

  "Hey dont be so upset kid," Joshua said softly wrapping his hand around my shoulder in a comforting way, "he didn't mean it. I know he didn't."

  I looked up at him through my watery eyes hoping there was chance what he said was true. His brown orbs seemed warm and genuine as his hand rubbed on my shoulder in a soothing manner that somehow made me feel a little better.

  "You-you think so?"

  "Yeah, I dont know what is up his ass lately but he'll get over it." The corner of his lips lift up in a sincere smile which I weakly attempted to return.

  I felt suddenly grateful for how Josh was being randomly nice to me. I didn't know that genuine people like him even existed. I felt myself getting more attached to him by this simple interaction and the moral support he was giving me. 1

  There was a short moment of silence between us, the voices of the few people left in the arena covering it, before he spoke again.

  "But meanwhile, I'd like to be your friend. If you dont mind of course."

  My leg bounced nervously under me and my fingers fidgeted with my rings as I still kept doubting if this was a good idea. After Killian left, Josh eventually did too, not without taking my number, and minutes later grandpa joined me and was ready to leave. If it wasn't for my
mind rethinking every of Killian's words, the ride would have been peaceful. But my head decide otherwise again.

  I could hardly believe I had now two contacts on my cell phone, besides my grandfather. So when I received a text from Josh, a short moment after I stepped a foot in the house, I started thinking I was dreaming and I would wake up soon. He said that the invitation was still up and if I still wanted to join him, he would pick me up in 45 minutes.

  I debated during minutes, asking myself if I really should get out of my comfort zone, imagining the worst scenarios, and for the first time it didn't make me back dawn. My therapist told me that always sticking to my little routine would never make me feel 'normal'. I've never gotten invited anywhere, never had friends to do teenager things. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to try the unknown.