Shield Read online

  I stared at him, my mouth opening like an idiot. He seemed so upset and I couldn't figure out why but the way his brown dark orbs looked in mine did funny things to my tummy.

  "C'mon lets go." His hand who now had a more gentle grip pulled me towards a sleeked black car. I stared at the vehicle not really sure if it was a good idea. I mean my grand father will be looking for me but I obviously didn't want to go back and wait in the arena when I knew the guy Ive been fearing was still there.

  "I-I'm not sure this is a good idea," I mumbled weakly. "We don't even know each other."

  Yeah right. Nice one Sadie.

  I was afraid of his answer and his reaction. Because it could prove me wrong, or most likely prove me right and confirm my thoughts that he didn't remembered me. I expected him to just ignore my comment and force me in his car, or agree with me and realize that he was acting out of impulse. But I for sure didn't expect him to frown at me, take two large steps closer, standing a couple inches away from my face, and say this:

  "If you think I didn't recognize you, then you're gonna be in a fucking big shock Sadie."

  Over the years I was never able to bring myself to forget, nor hate him. The reason he was not just some old childhood friend, is because he seemed to care. The only one who did. My own mother never even bothered to show that feeling. I dont know what had bring us, kids together. I dont know why he came to me, stood up for me, talked to me. Even if I tried so many times to socialize, I ended up rejected and mocked of. I was a loner, and so was he. The difference is that no one dared to make fun of him. So why bother helping the weird little girl? Maybe he just wasn't as cruel as the other children and wanted to be my friend despite how odd I was as a little girl. I never got the chance to thank him. One morning he was just gone.

  But even with that, I've always been grateful for him because for 6 years I felt something else than fear. I felt somehow safe and like I had a purpose. I wasn't alone. And I guess thats why knowing he didn't completely forget about me like I had thought, bring me a wave of emotions. I couldn't quiet describe the feeling actually. I was so relieved, but it didn't felt right nor did it felt wrong. I wanted to cry and I wanted to laugh. I wanted to hug him tight and I wanted to run away. As for him, the look in his eyes had intensified but I still couldn't put a finger on how he felt. He seemed so closed off, his jaw clenched and he let no emotions show through his face. 1

  "And you clearly do to." He said slowly, staring deeply in my eyes. My heart beat fast in my chest and the heat in my cheeks worsened. That boy -man- did weird things to me.

  "I-I...huh-how-"

  I was loosing my words and my brain completely completely forgot how to formulate a sentence but a voice far behind me interrupted that awkward moment.

  "Micky!"

  Killian's eyes snapped to the owner of the voice, his gaze darkening instantly.

  "About to leave with the hot chick without me? C'mon!"

  I recognize that voice. The arrogant one I never wanted to hear again. God, I hated everything about this situation. As I much as I didn't want to see him, my first reflex was to turn around and look at the guy who made Killian drag me out of the arena. And who also made me fear to come back here. He was a few feet away but it was just a matter of seconds before he would reach us. And that made the anxiety slowly but strongly grow in my chest, clogging my throat.

  "Get in the car Sadie," the man inches behind me said calmly. Way too calmly for the storm he had in his dark eyes. When he realized I didn't moved, his arm circled around my waist and pulled me backwards. "Now."The authority in his gruff voice had weirdly made something twist in my stomach.

  His brown orbs piercing through mine one last time making sure I listened to him. I nodded and walked to the passenger door. I struggled a bit to get in, the car being really high for my short height and my legs trembling. I sat on the leather seat taking deep breathes for a couple seconds trying to release the tense in my body. I waited for Killian to open his door and for his big figure to sit next to me, but it didn't happen.

  Instead, when I turned my head to look through the window, I could only see his strong back and hear two muffled voices. Dylan stood as tall him, but he clearly wasn't as big. They weren't talking loud enough for me to hear clearly but I surely knew it wasn't a friendly interaction. Killian's tone was laced with anger and threat, and so did his posture.

  Then, as I was thinking about how calm he was for someone with so much anger radiating of him, he had the guy pinned on the car parked next to his. His fist curled on Dylan's dress up shirt and his forearm firmly pressed on his chest in an instant. My eyes doubled size at the sigh. 1

  I've seen Killian hit guys on the ice, many times, he even fought sometimes. But I always preferred not thinking about it. I mean he does it well, he really knows how to check the opponent on the board and people in the stands love when he fights, but I didn't like this violent aspect of the sport. I hate violence. And lets say Killian seemed to be quick on the anger and fists. But usually, everything he did on the ice was calculated and never irrational.

  I stared at the scene in front of me in shock. I know, it doesn't take a lot to impress me. His sharp jaw was strongly locked as he angrily talked. I feared he would decide punch him, but he just shoved him on the side after a few threatening looking words.

  He really didn't like Dylan. And I guess it was a good thing for me. If it had been one of his friend, would he have let him get to me? The thought only made me shiver and formed knots in my stomach.

  But for the second time, he made the scary guy go away.

  I quickly regained my initial position when I saw Killian walking around the car. Like I wasn't eavesdropping or watching them. I dreaded him to open his door, so when he did, I flinched. I fidgeted with my fingers as he got in and threw his sport bag in the backseat. Then a heavy and tense silence fell in the car.

  Okay, this is awkward. 2

  I shifted uncomfortably in the seat and stared at the dash board, noticing at the same time how clean the inside was. He surely took care of his car. Everything was leather and black, and I noticed the fresh woodsy scent in the air. This is surely a man's car. Killian's car.

  This is Killian's car. I'm sitting in Killian's car, the surreal thought hit me. 1

  An irritated sigh next to me made me realize it wasn't a good time to get all excited about where I was. I saw from the corner of my eye his hand frustratedly pass through his disheveled dark hair before he leaned his head on the headrest.

  "Is..is everything okay?" I dared to ask as I noticed how his eyes were closed and his hands were curled into fists on his lap. Another sigh left his perfect pink lips.

  Well, someone is still annoyed.

  "Everything is fine." He snapped as he regained a normal posture. Good job, now he's probably annoyed at you.

  "O-okay. Sorry."

  I lowered my eyes and stared at my lap. I heard keys tickling and the engine starting. But then as the silence came back in the car, two hands reached for my seatbelt and secured it around my waist. Like I was some kid. The movement was surprisingly delicate considering how angry he seemed. I tensed for a moment when his fingers brushed on my shirt and I let out a shaky breath when he leaned back in his seat.

  "Whats the address?" His rough, beautiful voice asked.

  I stuttered out my grandfather's house address and he typed it on his phone. Without another word he drove out of the parking.

  The thought of admiring him while he was driving was really tempting but I didn't even take the chance to glance at him. Instead I kept my gaze on the outside road focusing on keeping my behaviour as normal as possible. I cant act or be normal around people. 1

  Should I start a conversation? What should I say? Does he think I'm weird? Defective?

  I bit the inside of my cheek. I wanted to say something but I also felt like if words came out of my mouth, they'd surely make me sound like an idiot.

  Maybe he doesn't want to talk. Maybe he doesn't car
e about me anymore.

  Yeah, thats probably it. He does remember me but still, after 5 years he couldn't care less about me. He plays hockey, and he's really good at it, he has friends, and his teammates and he is most likely studying in a great college. I wouldn't even be surprised if he had amazing grades, he has always been smarter than the other kids.

  But there he was driving me home and I couldn't put a finger on why he would bother doing that.

  As the car stopped at a red light, I felt eyes burning on the side of my head. His eyes. Again, I didn't dare to turn my neck and meet his gorgeous brown gaze but the feeling was enough to bring red to my cheeks. Hopefully its dark enough and he wont see the colour on my face.

  I kept biting on the soon to be bleeding inside cheek, until the light finally turned green and his eyes went back on the road.

  Is there something on my face?

  My leg was bouncing nervously and my fingers were still playing with my rings, including the one I thought I'd lost. I still feel so relieved that the man next to me found it. It must have slipped from my finger when I was panicking. When Killian stopped the panic.

  Time passed and I believed we were only a couple minutes away from home when I felt my phone suddenly vibrate in my jeans back pocket. I grabbed it and read the caller ID.

  Grand pa.

  Shoot! How did I forget about him? I should have texted him! I wanted to text him! I should just have stayed at the arena and wait for him. But then Dylan would have seen me..

  I shrugged the thoughts and remorses away and answered his call as Killian glanced at me.

  Dont be mad please.

  "Sadie?!" He snapped before I could say anything.

  Please dont yell. Please dont yell.

  "Y-yes."

  "What the hell?! Where are you?!"

  I felt tears slowly swell behind my eyes. "I-I'm fine. I-I.. someone is driving me home." I answered quietly hoping it wouldn't anger him more. "I-I'm sorry.. I didn't have a choice. I-I wanted to tell you but I forgot, I-I'm so sorry I didn't mean to. But I swear I'm fine grand pa." I rambled rapidly. Maybe even too fast for him to comprehend.

  "Are you out of your mind Sadie?! I was looking for you all around the arena and you weren't there." His voice was still angry, but I heard the worry slowly lacing in his tone and I cursed myself for worrying him like that. Why am I so selfish? It isn't that darn hard to text someone.

  Stupid, stupid.

  "I-I know, I'm s-sorry." I struggle to get the words out as my throat tighten and the tears threaten to come out.

  "Who are you with?" He snapped suddenly.

  "I uh.. a friend." I lied looking through the window.

  "I'm guessing that friend has a name huh?"

  You hate this name grand pa.

  "Y-you dont know him.." I tried, hoping he'd just let it go. If I told him it would just anger him more. And I still don't understand why.

  "Mmh. Okay whatever," he wasn't convinced. I heard his long sigh before he continued, "Just get home safe princess, I'll scold you more when I arrive."

  "Okay." I said, barely above a whisper.

  "Dont forget to lock the doors." And with that, he hung up. He was still not happy. As much as he tried to sound nice and calm, he wasn't. He had been worrying and angry, and it was my fault. Again. I'm so stupid and selfish. A tear slipped and rolled on my cheek as another one followed.

  "You're way too fucking fragile." I heard Killian growled out next to me. His eyes were fixated on the road, not even glancing at me, as he tensely held the wheel. It sounded more like a statement for himself but it still triggered something in me. I knew he was right and I guess trying to hide how weak I really am had never worked. No one really told me directly.

  My heart ached the whole time until he pulled up in the parking of my grand father's small house. It wasn't anything extra, he moved in with my grandmother a little while after I was born apparently. It was old but in a good state. Every summer we plant flowers in the front and vegetables in the back of the house. Grandma loved flowers, tulips specifically, and she always took care of the house's appearance and spent most of her time in the garden. It was kind of a way of remembering her for my grandfather since he didn't like keeping photos of her in the house. The death of a loved one is something I dread to experience, even if the only one I know to love is my grandfather. He always told me how life is so fragile, it could end at any moment. It could be taken from you or your loved ones when you least expect it, it isn't worth worrying about the future or what could happen. He hoped that if I started thinking that way, the stupid anxiety would leave.

  "I dont want you there anymore." The same gruff, tummy turning voice made my sad thoughts vanish.

  "What?" I frowned, meeting his gaze for the first time since he got in the car. The brown orbs almost hypnotizing me.

  "I dont want you going to the arena anymore."

  "What? Why-"

  "What would have happened if I hadn't been there tonight? Huh? And last Friday?" I blinked at his sudden outburst. "You cant come back to a place where someone is fucking trying to..to rape y-...god damn it." He ran a hand frustratedly through his hair as he struggled to find his words."Where someone is trying to hurt you okay?"

  I sat dumbfounded. I-I knew Dylan wasn't a nice person, but I thought he wouldn't have the chance to get to me again. I hoped he wouldn't at least. But he almost did for a second time. I felt stupid again. What was I thinking? I was so caught up in my 'I cant stay home alone at night' that I didnt thought about who was outside.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid, I kept thinking as my eyes started watering again. I am fragile. I am weak. And I cant stay home alone. I cant be alone.

  "I-I'm sorry it-it wont happen again." The strangled words left my mouth. My throat getting too tight again to speak normally. 5

  I felt te atmosphere in the car change as Killian's demeanour did too. I could somehow tell he was frowning down at me and if I did knew him well and who he had become, I would think he was getting concern. But again, Killian was just a childhood friend, and I wasn't anything for him anymore. He didn't want me around him. I knew how stupid I had been to think that he would still care. He moved on, and I should have too. I wasn't one to remember.

  I need to get out of the car. He couldn't see how broken, how messed up I became. Well at least not again. I opened the door, stepped out of the big vehicle without a warning and walked straight for my front door ignoring the tears. I was determined until I realized I didn't have a key, but worry left as fast as as it came when I remembered the spare key under a plant pot. I quickly grabbed it, unlocked the door and walked into the unlighted house. Then I broke down. I leaned my back on the front door and I broke down as I saw the darkness in the house. I dont want to be alone.

  Killian is right, I'm way too fragile.

  Not fragile actually. I'm weak and broken. And I'm starting to question if I really am fixable.

  I hate math.

  I hate math, I hate math. 8

  Its Saturday and I didn't felt like doing calculus this morning, mostly because my mind was focused on someone else. But I need better grades. My grandfather wants me to have better grades. And since he wasn't really happy with me last night, I thought that doing my math homework would make me appear responsible, and somehow make him proud of me. 1

  I glared at the paper filled with mathematic problems, asking myself what was so important about it and how would this help me in life.

  Why do they mix numbers with letters? Is this even useful? 4

  I tapped my pencil on my desk as I read the problem over and over again, hi-lighting the 'important informations' but when I don't understand, I just don't understand.

  I was doing fine with the first numbers, but obviously nothing can go perfectly well with me. As much as asking for my grand father's help seemed like a great idea, I dreaded facing him after last night when he lectured me. 1

  He arrived and I was still in tears. He started by scolding me for lea
ving without telling him and talked about how worried he was. It only made me feel more guilty; I think I apologized about twenty times in half an hour. He then followed by saying what could have happened to me; how he thought they took me. I thought about it until I fell asleep. I didn't want to think about them or the idea that they could come back at any moment. It terrified me.

  The worst was when he asked about the person who drove me home. Lying on the phone was hard, but way easier since he wasn't there to detail my face as I made up something. So my excuse 'you dont know the guy' did not worked out with him standing in front of me. Well it did for like 30 seconds until he insisted for the third time and I cracked. He despised Killian, and I couldn't find a reason why.